A dose of reality

Pick a day, any day
This process seems to be one step and then a next step. First it was make an appointment, then go to it. Then it was let the family and friends know, then talk to the boss, next schedule the surgery.

Everything was ok 'til that last one.

I e-mailed the lady at the doctor's office who handles scheduling to ask how I pick a day. I told her I preferred sometime in January. She wrote back that I couldn't between this date and that date, as they were already booked. I would need to do either before then or after. Also, Dr. Hostin performs surgeries on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, so I need to pick one of those days.

My thoughts were that Friday wouldn't be any good because I don't know if Dr. Hostin works on weekends, and should something happen, I want him to be easily accessible.

Then, everything changed for me.

I looked at my Outlook calendar and panicked. All of a sudden, the surgery became real to me. I felt like crying. I was in an instant bad mood. I stopped and came back to it later, although the nerves never went away.

I decided Monday, Jan. 19 looked ok. My best friend's birthday is the Saturday before that, so I'd still be able to go out for one last celebration as the way things are. I e-mailed the doctor's office to request this day. Unfortunately, my procrastination didn't pay off--the scheduler was out of town for one week. I would have to wait to see if Jan. 19 was my day or not.

This was the worst. I was already freaking out and now I had to wait a week to find out.

Nightmares
I laid in bed that night thinking about the surgery. I imagined the doctor picking up my spine from my wide open back and just moving it over to the left where it should be--in the center of my back, like a good spine. It would be red and bloody, chunky. God, that must hurt.

I imagined the moment when I would be led away from my family. This one always gets me. I may cry now. I imagine having to say goodbye and laying in a bed and being wheeled away by essential strangers.

Then the anesthesia. Jeez. This one really scares me. A part of me worries about it not working and me being able to feel everything but the doctors don't realize it. I saw this woman on Oprah once who had stomach surgery and swore this happened to her. She said it was the worst moment in her life and that it felt like a blow torch ripping through her body when they cut into her. The whole time she was yelling in her head for them to stop, but she couldn't move a muscle. They had no idea.

My biggest fear about the anesthesia is just falling asleep and never waking up. What if I never see my family again?

Then I worry about all the pain I'll be in and if it will be like any pain I've ever felt before. How will I lay down after the surgery? Will I be on my back or on my stomach? Will it hurt everytime I move and breathe?

These thoughts were with me until I finally fell asleep that night and every time I've thought about my surgery and the dreaded date since then.

Confirmation
I received an e-mail today from the new lady in-charge of scheduling at the doctor's office. She confirmed that Jan. 19 would be my surgery date. I was driving home when I received the e-mail. I started crying when I read the date in the first line on my BlackBerry.

This is really happening. Should I be doing this? I can manage the pain I'm in now. Is this necessary?

The e-mail said I'm booked for Jan. 19 at 7:30 a.m. and that my testing and pre-op appointments won't happen until it's closer to then, probably at the beginning of December. Until then, I just wait.

I'm waiting.